It has been one year since the passing of my mother. In that year I have learned some things about myself and who I thought I was. I have lost many friends and family over the years. I thought that kind of grief was deep, but no. The loss of the person in your life that molded you, raised you and loved you unconditionally, is for me at least, the most visceral thing that has occurred in my life. It was a loss felt deep within, affecting every vital organ, my brain, my heart, my body and my spirit. I had previously been a mimicking the behavior with the polite “sorry for your loss,” up until losing my mother. She was my compass, my cheerleader my confidante, she was the smartest woman I know, she understood me better than anyone else I know (but I guess that’s how mothers are) and I am better for her being in my life. She was also kind, generous and compassionate. I loved her dearly.
As I am writing this, I thought about a movie I watched years ago called ‘Death be not Proud’ and I think in a way it had influenced how I behaved dealing with her loss, the tears and hugs and prerequisite sad feelings, but what I have learned is that the dying is not beautiful or serene, and the suffering can be overwhelming both for the dying and the living. How do you handle all of that? I can only speak to my experience. A piece of my heart is gone, and I am still here. I have regret, sadness, loneliness and most searingly loss and empty space where my mom was. It is real and it is hard. There was a relief that there was no more suffering and guilt that I couldn’t find a way to save her from it and honestly, as an aside, I am now truly convinced that souls do exist. When my mother passed on, I felt her go from a person to a shell. Some may call it a spirit or whatever you wish but, I knew in my logical mind that she was no longer there. As if something her life force, or her soul was gone. I am still in awe of that realization. Having been in the military I have seen dead bodies, I have moved them, been to many funerals, but I was detached from them so this was really different. I always thought that I was a sensitive, compassionate person full of empathy and awareness. But what I learned in this year of loss is people can’t define the way you grieve.
I no longer give halfhearted “sorry for your losses “, I now say it with true regret for the person because, I really understand. I no longer give my opinions on what someone is to do when they lose a loved one, because I know I wasn’t receptive to others telling me how and what to do. Books didn’t help because they can’t feel for you, grief is undefinable, and in the end, we must go on when they don’t. I am no scholar on death and on why some people survive disease and others don’t. I just know my mom died and I miss her. I don’t know how long grief lasts, but I do know that every day I consciously thank her for being in my life and then I get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other and go on living. That is what I have learned in the year since my mother has passed. Life goes on, until it doesn’t and grief has no time limit.
If you are reading this, I hope that it maybe helps you not to feel so lost. Grieve your own way and time. I wasn’t kind, sweet, strong or giving out fake “thank you'”, I was angry, devastated sad and resentful. i now realize these are normal feelings. Don’t let anyone tell they aren’t.
(I wasn’t sure I would write this, but I felt the need to). I hope it helps someone going through the same thing.
